Mating Rituals and Sexual Conduct New Rules of Engagement
By: Timothy W. Shire - February 27, 1999
the potential to alter human behaviour	If you are a regular reader of Ensign you might have noticed the odd Tip of the day Friday which said "Fathers talk to your sons, the rules of engagement have changed." I wrote this comment as a serious commentary on a major change in our society that occurred on Friday. Not since the advent of the birth control pill has there been a single thing that has the potential to alter human behaviour quite to this extent. Change is a relative thing and it comes some times in the form of a gradual change in social customs. In the midst of the polio epidemic of the early fifties people used to throw away the bottom portion of ice cream cones and avoid large gatherings, these measures were practical and based on the tyranny of a formidable disease. AIDs should have changed society but strangely the popular belief is that only other people get it, gays and prostitutes. But this change that is now being visited upon us comes from Canada's Supreme Court and I think you will see it has more of an effect on interpersonal relations then Pierre's civil liberty laws of the late sixties.
The judge suggested that her halter top and shorts were indication enough	The Supreme Court of Canada was asked to rule on an appeal by the Alberta government that objected to a not guilty judgment which saw a man acquitted of sexual assault when he engaged in some unwanted touching on the body of a seventeen year old woman seeking work. despite the fact that the young woman uttered verbally "NO" four times during the man's activities. Each time he made a move she said "no", each time he stopped, waited a bit then tried something else to which she responded with a "no" he again stopped and so on. The Supreme Court took the unusual course of reversing the judgment and convicting the man without Alberta court having to go to a retrial.
this ruling establishes in law .. good manners	The nature of the Supreme Court judgment appears to be, in the unanimous decision, backing up Canadian law to the letter of the law. The effect that this ruling has could be remarkably dramatic because it is establishing in law what should be and is, good manners and personal conduct. No person should be placed in the position to undergo a sexual encounter against their will and they must clearly indicate their willingness to participate. The Alberta case was such that the man, now convicted, did indeed stop the objectionable conduct when the young woman said "no," but then moments later attempted another action. The court's decision is establishing very clearly that once a partner in a sexual encounter indicates "no," nothing further can take place without a clearly and confirmed "yes".
once that stop sign is in place, without a green light of some kind, that is that.	There is nothing really new here, because this only seems right, but now making a move after someone has said "no" is not just bad behaviour and bad manners, it is a crime. Sexual behaviour is enormously complex and we spend a huge amount of our short lives trying to figure it out. The subtitles that we all learn as nonverbal communication are not downgraded or diminished by this court ruling, but there are some new responsibilities that it might just be appropriate for us all to put into practice. Every person who assumes they are in a mating ritual situation needs to confirm and be assured that what they are doing is appropriate and accepted. If at any time someone in this situation discovers that the actions that are being entered into are not what they want, they have the responsibility to make certain that the other party is aware that one of them has just put up a stop sign and once that stop sign is in place, without a green light of some kind, that is that. "NO!"
"Assault with a friendly weapon"	Studies of people who have been charged and convicted of sexual assault have shown over and over that the vast majority of these individuals have communications disabilities. They tend to make mistakes and either do not see, or ignore "no" signals and in most cases, verbal statements that are negative to sexual activity. It might be instructive to point out that law makers have come to regard "rape" as something quite apart from normal human behaviour and that it is first and foremost, an act of violence and relates more to domination and control of another person with physical force. This is the reason that the term "sexual assault" is a much more meaningful and descriptive for these sorts of incidents. In a satirical western many years ago called Water Hole Number 3 James Colburn's character tosses off the remark with a shrug, that rape is "Assault with a friendly weapon". The reason I bring up this little tidbit is that the main word in that phrase is "assault".
learned before age four and is the result of learning from examples	There has always been a need for more open and frank discussion about sexual behaviour. Parents consider it one of the most difficult subjects to broach with their children and with this awareness, the public has demanded at different times in the past, that schools and health workers accept the responsibility of both informing and educating young people about "sex". The actual facts of the matter are that like most things, the individual's education is not through some formal process, but is learned before age four and is the result of learning from examples. Children watch adult behaviour intently and govern themselves accordingly and for you, with small children around, this is a sobering thought, because what you do and how you behave, is determining what decisions and course of actions your children are going to take. As a school principal and counsellor I have discovered that few children lack knowledge or understanding about the subject, and what they want to know most as teenagers, is the way to handle the emotions and rules governing proper sexual conduct.
there is little to suggest that the majority of children are affected negatively by their exposure to entertainment	You might be concerned about the messages television and movies convey to children about sexuality, but there is little to suggest that the majority of children are affected negatively by their exposure to entertainment. (the opposite might be true of violence) There are however, some glaring exceptions, with children who have had limited adult modeling in their lives and who have limited communications skills. They are in trouble and entertainment can have serious affects on them because of its detachment and lack of connection to the individual in his or her real world. I personally am encouraged by the hard work the entertainment industry puts into mating rituals and they may be doing a better job of it then we as parents.
1. actions louder then words 2. listen don't talk to kids about sex 3. show by example 4. golden rule	I have a little advise for you, if you are a parent. 1. - Always remember that its what you do that is going to influence your children. If your actions are not mirrored in your behaviour you are being a bad parent.     2. - - - - - Listen, don't talk to your kids about sex. Let them know that no matter what they say or think you will always love and care for them and are willing to listen to their concerns. (This takes huge personal control, you have to be prepared to listen without reacting or over reacting) When you are asked, tell your kid what you think and base it on your own personal conduct and behaviour.     3. - - - - - - - - - - - - Intimate sexual behaviour is, from your point of view as a parent a big secret, but from the kid's point of view he or she know only what their world has taught them. ( I must digress, at about ten my dad and I who went to movies every Friday night went to "A Street Car Named Desire" I thought it was the greatest movie and as we drove home my father was reluctant to talk about it, I kept going on about it and he said to me, " but you don't understand it do you?" I told him I did for what I saw was this marvelous crazy character Blanch, and without any experience I didn't have a clue about the things that disturbed and perhaps embarrassed him, but I saw that movie at my level through my eyes and Marlon Brando deserved an Oscar for it.) Because we saw the movie together and his attitude towards some of the content, when my awareness grew as I grew older it wasn't the movie that taught me about that content it was his attitude and I had a guide to follow.     4. - - - As you treat your child so shall they treat others. There is nothing really special about sex, it is just one of the many things that is an important part of human life. The most important thing for all of us is how we treat each other, in all ways, sexually and non-sexually.
	I would like to deal more with this topic and would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me.