Lawyer Cameron Ward held for 5 hours as Vancouver police go for payback.

   

Question ... Is Canada becoming a banana republic?

   
Victoria, B.C. - Tuesday, August 6, 2002 - by: Paul Scrimger
   

 

Boy am I cheesed off!

 

 

rights
eaten
away

A few days ago I went to bed worried that the Canada I thought I knew was disappearing faster than a strawberry tart at a pie eating contest. I was worried every day at how our guaranteed rights as free Canadian citizens were being eaten away without anyone even really noticing.

 

 

Bebe
Doc

Then Prime Minister Jean "Bebe-Doc" Chretien rolls into town to throw a little of that Shawinigan snake oil at the local colonials. I was watching with some interest, wondering if maybe he'd choke one or two of our more obnoxious citizens just to keep in shape for the big punch-up with Paul Martin.

 

 

arrested

But Noooo! He has to go and take all the suspense away by simply having everyone arbitrarily arrested instead. Where's the excitement in that?
   

lawyer

Now I'll admit that hearing the news that one of the nabbed citizens, a Mr. Cameron Ward, was a lawyer filled me with queasy mixed feelings - kind of like the last Provincial election did. Part of me thought, that it would be just like a lawyer to hide a pie or two in the trunk of his BMW you never can trust those Porche drivin' pony-tail wearin' bloodsuckers if you ask my opinion, turn your back for one minute and Bam! There's a pie right in the ole kisser.
   

innocent
citizens

But another part of me knew that there was something just not right about arresting innocent Canadian citizens even wannabe pie-hidin' lawyers - for absolutely no reason at all.
   
  I knew my night sweats were just going to get worse.
   

pie in
the
trunk

The police tried to justify this behavior though, they said he was "suspected of having a pie in the trunk," now I wouldn't want this to get around, but I have been known myself to occasionally put pies in my trunk, usually to hide them from my wonderful wife who is trying patiently to keep me from dying of acute fatness at age 55.
   
  According to the Sun story, he was strip searched too. Eeeewww!
   

Betty
Crocker

I wonder what they were looking for? Exploding pie bombs? Whipping cream canisters? Cheesecake? The story reports that he was released three hours later after it was explained to Mr. Ward that it was simply "a case of mistaken identity". Huh? Who did they think he was - Betty Crocker?
   

waste
$1.80

But our sharp-eyed pie detectives were hot - not only did they nail the suspicious pie-lawyer but they also got the pie-eatin' guy, William Christiansen. According to the story, Christiansen told reporters. "Why the hell would I spend $1.80 on a piece of pie and waste it on that guy?" Good question. He must hoard his pies like I do, probably from his wife - and I wouldn't waste one on Chretien either, besides $1.80 is a lot of dough, you could buy half of Nortel for that.
   

food
political
statement

But the real threat to Canadian security is apparently even worse. According to a secret report, scooped by the Sun, the RCMP are worried about the increasing use of other forms of food to make a political statement.
   

Banana
Bob
Stanfield

Now, I hate to admit this but, I'm old enough to remember "Banana" Bob Stanfield who I recall (probably wrongly) got the nickname because he calmly ate a banana during a Conservative leadership race back in the good old days. Young folks won't remember, it was back when Canada was a democracy. Nowadays, our fruit and vegetable cops would have that banana snatched from his lips and good Ole Bob would be thrown in the slammer and strip searched Eeeewww!
   
  Whew! What a nightmare - I think I'll go hide from my wife and eat some pie until it all blows over.
   
 

Paul Scrimger

 

Paul Scrimger, is the worried, overweight, President of the British Columbia Conservative Party Victoria, BC

   
References:
  Cameron Ward was a lawyer who represented some of the students attacked by the RCMP at the APEC meeting in Vancouver. In 1998 Ward walked out of the inquiry when the government refused to pay his bill for representing the injured and harassed students.
   
  Police arrest APEC lawyer at Chretien speech
Last Updated Sat Aug 3 16:57:19 2002, CBC news
   
  B.C. men seek apology for arrest at PM event, CTV, Saturday August 3, 2002