Alternate Universe News

March 21, 2000 by: Carey Heilman


It was the party of the Millennium!!!!

A recent house party at Roy the Razor Romanoff's house had all the neighbours complaining.

"There were beer bottles and whiskey bottles scattered all over the place", said one neighbour who insisted on remaining anonymous, due to fears of government reprisals.

The thing that had all the neighbours worried, more than anything, was the alien space craft that were parked everywhere.

"One was parked right on my lawn" said one area resident!

What was the reason for the celebration?

Why were aliens invited?

Or were they?

Well the answers are perhaps to complicated for most to understand, but I, Harry Kyleman, will attempt to explain it.

First, aliens are the only logical explanation for all the weird stuff that is going on in our universe!

Let us look at the history of our fearless leader's regime over the last few years.

1. The disappearance of 52 hospitals by the hand of Louise Simmmard! (how did ----these hospitals vanish, other than by Alien powers?)

2. Raising of taxes and lowering of services.

3. Closing of hospital beds,

4. Millgaard

5. Killing the GRIP program.

6. The WCB allowed to be unaccountable.

7. Highest crime.

8. Highest waiting lists for medical procedures.

9. Highest infant mortality.

10. Farm crisis.

11. More health care crisis'.

12. About 110 million dollars of WCB rebates to business.

13. Rehiring Louise Simmmard

14. Closing the Carrot River Hospital. (Our health minister never agreed to the -----closure but it happened anyway.... must be aliens!?)

15. and more......

All of these things are listed as being the fault of no one in charge (according to government sources) and are all related to outside factors.......ALIENS??!!

That is right folks, aliens are to blame for all the problems we are having, not only that, there is nothing that our elected officials can do about the alien take over of our government!

How do I know this?

Well, a drunk, Roy the Razor Romanoff, opened up to this reporter while staggering around his house shaking hands with everyone. I asked him to point out the aliens at the party he said he couldn't, for fear of alien reprisals.

"Why the celebration"! I asked.

"This is not a celebration, this is a big drunk, for no reason other than what the hell else is there to do"? said Romanoff!

So now the secret is out, our government is under the control of aliens, and there is nothing we can do about it! As the Aliens will only negotiate with the Leader!! You know the line from the bad movie a few years ago "take me to your leader"! And our Leaders are not drunk on power they are drunk cause
there is nothing they can do about anything so they may as well have as much fun as they can!!

Harry Kyelman Reporting.