Memo To All Hospital Staff (part 1)

By : Carey Heilman, February 1, 1999

Editor's Note: Carey's satirical consideration of deteriorating conditions in Saskatchewan health care seems absurd but so is the fact that Regina has just closed one hospital and is now reducing its hospital beds by an additional 60. This latest cut is the result of a nursing shortage that has been well known and documented for three years.
To: All staff
From: Administration/Grounds keeping
Subject: New cost cutting measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issues a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.