Alternate Universe News

by: Carey Heilman

Cranium Conclusions


of our politicians had extremely thick

In the Alternate Universe, sources noted that the size of ones head is not necessarily proportionate to the size of ones brain.

This has been confirmed with the recent discovery of oversized melons in the provincial government.

Our expert has gone and measured the heads of many of our beaurocratic officials. At first our expert noted that the egos of many of these officials were very large. However this was disproportionate to the size of the skulls that were measured.

Next our beaurocrats had their craniums measured as well as their IQs. There was no conclusive evidence to support the theory that skull size and intelligence were related.

What was found, was that many of our politicians had extremely thick skulls, and IQs among many were inadequate for their position.

This explains the stupid things our elected officials have done in the recent past.

Our expert has noted that one recent employee of the month from a Subway store was an extreme example of the fact that melon size is not an indication of IQ. What was also noted was that the former Subway employee/employee of the month, had let his award get to his head which has now swollen to the size of a giant watermelon.

More as it becomes available.

Hospital Care in the Alternate Universe


the sick
and the old with their whining, complaining and

The recent news release in the Alternate Universe of more bed closures has come as no surprise to the citizens here.

Our reporter Harry Kyleman interviewed local residents who attended the beleaguered Pasqua Hospital.

"My wife has had a mild stroke and is now laying on a stretcher in a hallway" Mr. Smithson told me.
"She loves it! It is not humiliating or degrading at all! She gets to listen in on all kinds of conversations and best of all she sees the happy smiling people walking by and starring at her".

One doctor had this to say, " One thing is certain here, and that is that the government has certainly done everything it can to reduce the morale of the people who work here." "It would be nice if there were only robots working here". Oh wait, it seems that that is what everyone thinks they (the nurses) are anyway". "He added without nurses there is no health care, but most of the morons out there seem to believe otherwise".

Kyleman asked one of the nurses what they thought, and she had this to say,"Who gives a $*^#"!

I conceded "No one".

At least that is how it looks from here.

"Fortunately the dead and sick will not make it to the polls in the next
election". Added one unidentified person.

"Hey, if you and your family are healthy as most Alternate Universe people are, who are you going to vote for?"

"Damn the sick and the old with their whining, complaining and moaning....besides they cost to much, I need a new DVD player, you don't hear me asking for government handouts"! Added one area woman.

With the recent announcement of over 20,000 people waiting for elective surgery, and the additional announcement of more bed closures in the alternate universe it would appear that the people of the Alternate Universe could not care less about health.

"I went in to the hospital emergency and waited two hours for attention, then was told there was nothing they could do for me, add to this that the specialist who is caring for me is now booking into September and this is May it seems the only thing health care is designed to look after are those
who are near death, and then it is only interested in patching them up". Added one emotional man.

Our government would have us believe that everything is A OK!

What do you think?
  The first Alternative Universe News appeared last Saturday if you missed it click here to check out the story.